In high school, my teacher asserted with a smug grin that humans have hair like apes, and thus we come from apes– or so he told us. I began to doubt whether my relationship with Christ was real. The seed of doubt brooded and grew like a hovering dark cloud for about ten years.
I loved God very much in my youth and was zealous for Him. So I went to Bible College in Peterborough, Ontario, for four years, and then another year after that at Tyndale Seminary in Toronto. Yet, doubts arose off and on during the whole ten years, with increasing intensity. A great dread would sweep over me; A cold sweat.
“Was I wasting my life on a non-existent diety?”
Here I was in Bible College and Seminary, being trained to teach others the faith. Yet, at times I would break out in a cold sweat with this incessant chilling thought, “What if there is no God!” “What if!” “What if!”
This voice of doubt haunted me often.
Waging war in the flesh and defeated
I read a great deal of apologetic material during those years — evidence for Christ. I became an expert in them. But eventually, a pattern emerged. My doubt was external to my own thoughts. No amount of evidence would suffice because “what if?” was a demon, an agent of Satan whispering in my ear.
Yes, “evidence for God” took me back a few steps from that tree, but it never got to the root of the problem. And thank God I never actually ate its fruit, (Gen. 2).
But how do you rebuke a demon that you are not sure is really there?
And so that battle continued.
After Seminary and marriage, in my self-righteous zeal, I helped form an evangelical church that thought itself better than all others. I will tell that story another day.
Unfortunately, our church degenerated quickly into a controlling church that separated my wife and me. It got very dark. It was my personal “Great Tribulation.” And my “Armageddon” came when all enemies converged to destroy me:
- My doubts.
- The depressing warm winter weather. (As said in the previous post, weather has always been huge in my life.)
- My months-long separation from my wife.
But at the darkest time of the year, the light shone. Victory came in two stages.
“Be faithful, even to the point of death, and I will give you life as your victor’s crown,” Rev. 2:10
I read a poem by a persecuted Christian. He wasted away in a Romanian prison camp for years. It read to the effect that “O’ God, even if you are not real, my love for you will make it real.” (Not very appealing intellectually, I know, but powerful before God who is quite sure of His own existence!)
Hence, I sacrificed my mind to God.
This robbed the demon of its power but honored God, a pleasing sacrifice.
The truth is that we must all decide whether to give our mind to the Beast or the Lamb — it’s a moral choice and has little to do with the intellect (Rev. 13-14). There are no other options. You fool yourself if you think you serve just yourself.
He gave me a new name and a new song
The second and final victory point over doubt came after devoting seven days to seek God about this matter, Dec. 18-25, 1988. It was the darkest time of the year and soul.
Alone at the time, separated from my wife, sleeping at the church, the Lord spoke in a dream on that gloomy Christmas morning.
I heard one angel (or was it the Lord?) proclaim to another in a voice like thunder and with authority that I have never heard before or since:
“His name is … … … …”
And so the Lord pronounced a new name — one that I will not fully disclose publically, but it’s the name of one “running” and “leaping” past all obstacles — the name of an overcomer.
And so I awoke from the dream, and there beside me was a tape recorder. I pressed play. The recording was that of a new song that the leader of the church had just written. I listened to the song on the tape, never before heard.
“It’s not every time you pray that an answer always comes. But in the Lord’s time, you’ll get the victory and the battle will be won. All our yokes will be broken and deliverance will come. Not by your might, nor by your power, but by obedience, trust, and love.
(Chorus) “My grace is all-sufficient. My strength is made perfectly. My child lean not to your understanding, but wholly trust in me. My grace is all-sufficient and my strength is made perfectly. My child just stay in prayer and I will be with thee.”
A new walk
From that day forward, I entered a new reality. Signs and wonders became common and as normal as taking a walk. (I will recount these many signs in forthcoming posts in this series.)
A new battle
Once the devil saw that the battle for my soul was lost, then, about a month later, another spirit returned with a new message: “Yes, there is a God. And He has given you over to delusion and hell!”
This whispering spirit attacks me to this day. But God’s “grace is sufficient.”
“He that overcometh will I give…”
God rewards the overcomer.
- In place of apologetics based upon human wisdom, God ordained a constant stream of signs and wonders and mathematical evidence beyond my wildest dreams.
- Instead of defeat by gloomy weather, God commissioned me to predict the weather and command it.
- And God restored my family.
6 thoughts on “2. My Story: My Struggle with Agnosticism”
I think a good reply to ” there is a God and you’re destined for Hell” is ” time will tell (u may b right but) I’m busy right now…” 😁With me, it’s “you won’t finish the job (destiny)God has for you- He’ll surely do His part, but you’ll surely botch yours up, and in the end it will be bad”. When fear comes, for good or bad, I say now ” whatever God wants”. (like I don’t decide- don’t talk to me about it)The underlying message of the temptation is ” who do you think you are?” So giving in to it can seem like humility, but it’s actually pride. But I didn’t choose God, He chose me, and my life is His, so it’s His responsibility. I am really not trusting Him, bc I think my weakness or sin is stronger than Him. And a good destiny with Him can tempt me to want to interfere, even if it’s in a bad direction, bc then at least I feel I’m in control. I remember I read on Facebook an article about duality, and basically if you engage, then you are giving into the temptation, and every time it’ll have you more. I searched for “dangers of duality”- it’s called “A practical guide to the dangers of duality” by Richard Murray. It helped me anyway. 😊 I always think it’s so fascinating and awe-inspiring the way God has of dealing with and reaching each of us. Thanx for sharing! God bless.
I though this had some significance just wanted to share it with you.
Hero hotel maid prevents ‘Vegas style’ massacre at All-Star Game: in Denver Co. The alarming discovery was made inside a room on the eight floor of the Maven Hotel, just two blocks from the mile-high ballpark that is hosting the “Midsummer Classic” Tuesday. there’s been 4 arrested; 16 long guns, body armor and 1,000+ rounds of ammo found…
Want to know how to calculate the distance between the earth and the sun, in light seconds, using….. the Bible ?
I learned this after an analysis of the mathematical basis of the languages in the Bible, while at the same time studying Egyptian mathematics.
But before I show you how, let’s see if you can guess.
The number of light seconds between the Sun and the moon =
499.0 light-seconds = 8.317 light-minutes…………………..(more at link)
Thanks so much for sharing your experience it’s a blessing for myself and I know many others. I’ve had a lifetime of Spiritual guidance, and supernatural interaction with the Holy Spirit. I find it amazing how HE works with you and it helps me so much better understand the signs of the times. He always shows me the main prophetic events as they are happening but with you He takes it to the Next Level and we all benefit from it. It’s very exciting to get to see how so many daily events are connected in such prophetic ways and on Holy prophetic time scale or phase of time. We had a really really good Pastor who taught us about the Zodiac being God’s story in the sky, and always kept us briefed on what was going on with them and the significance of the great comets over the decades. You’ve taken all that to the next level for myself. I didn’t even know there was another level. I knew we needed to see more of Joel 2 manifesting and we would need to see and witness someone kinda like yourself, with prophetic abilities involving the weather, ect….. Anyways
You are always in my prayers.
Thanks for the encouragement and prayers. Others like yourself have expressed interest in the stars as signs so I think I will soon demonstrate the awesome arrangement of the stars on and around the time of Jesus’ death to Pentecost.
And that would be an awesome lesson…..
I grew up studying with Bullinger’s Companion Bible. He’s got a book on the stars which I use more as a reference book now, when needed. WE had a really blessed teacher who passed away in 2014. All though we miss him, we are just chips off the old block, so to speak. He taught the bible and how to study it. We learned about the Pyramid in Giza as well. The main most important thing he drilled everyday was The False Messiah will walk this earth at the 6th Trump, the world is going to worship him, all those except who have not taken the Mark of the Beast. The Elect are gearing up to witness against him and then Christ returns. The world is about to merry the wrong Christ, Satan instead of Christ … Satan is ANTI-Christ. Revelation said the whole world will wonder after him. There are so many villains running the world– it’s full of anti-christs’. I understand the Twinkling of the Eye moment at the very end is that all flesh translates into their spiritual bodies: The Good, The bad and the Ugly, and the 1000 yr Millennium will be a time of teaching those that failed and then the Great White Throne Judgement. The Elect being the Millennial Priests. The harvest is all at the same time. The Elect are standing ready to witness against Satan when he appears trying to pretend to be Christ. The example of Enoch and Elijah being taking is not to be mixed up with a pre tribulation rapture. Matt 24, Mark 13, Luke 21…… We just know like the day of Pentecost that the Holy Spirit will work that same miracle when His Elect have been delivered up to the synagogues of Satan and HE will speak through us. We were warned not to premeditate what we will say but the Holy Spirit will give us what to say. WE don’t wake up everyday thinking the Lord could come. We watch for the False Messiah….. We are looking for the 2 witness also and have a pretty open mind as who they are or could be.
Always in my prayers
Meriolee Chanda Pinto